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Saturday, October 11th, 2008
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8:36 am - The dream I had last night
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I haven't been on this journal in forever, but I had a dream I didn't want to disclose in my other blogs. First I want to say I am reading a lesbian novel I got from the library (I wonder if the library realized it was lesbian when I requested it - anyway they did order it) and in the novel it's about Civil War time or almost, and these two women are attracted to each other but don't know what to make of it because of the time they are in.
Anyway, to my dream, I dreamed of Melissa again, and this time it was quite vivid, I haven't dreamed of her in awhile but usually it would be somewhat affectionate or something. I dreamed we were about to have sex or attempt it, and then some man barges in and interrupts, and then she decides she needs to be with him instead because of her job or something, but the point is that I went ahead and confessed to her that I used to have a crush on her, and she seemed pleased, and she even admitted she liked women, but then it went back to her having to be with the man, and I am going through the dream thinking something like maybe if I am patient she will come back to me. I can't rememeber all the details of course but I find myself wondering why I keep dreaming of her, well not a lot lately but I used to have dreams of her. And then yesterday I went somewhere in real life that reminded me alot of dreams I have had, where I went to a town somewhere nearby but I had never been there before, and it was actually a pretty interesting looking town with hills. So it was like my dream came true. Then I dream of Melissa right afterwards. Most likely just a coincidence. But I find myself wishing that there is meaning to the dream.
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| Friday, January 5th, 2007
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9:56 pm - ?
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| Thursday, January 4th, 2007
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8:55 pm - School is fast approaching
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School is just around the bend of this weekend, yet I still feel relaxed... probably by Saturday and definetely Sunday I will feel it creeping up at me as I will realize I will no longer have one luxuiously lazy day after another. Tomorrow is Friday and that is still my cushion against school for now, but by Saturday, Eeeek!
I am having my car fixed, and should have it back tomorrow. It's risky but I am excited at the thought of having the freedom to go places when I want.
This morning I spent some time reflecting on my life and realizing why certain things happened... For now, I will just say I am looking forward to new beginnings, whatever they may be.
My lesbian friend M. called me and we had a nice long talk. That was fun. No wait, I called her.
It snowed a little today. I walked to the closest store as I was having a weird craving for cola. Gummy colas to be specific, but they aren't available in Cheney so I decided to buy a Pepsi, and I rarely drink regular pop (occasionally I'll have a Jones soda) I thought of this one woman I've known at school a little bit out of the blue while I was in the store, and then the next thing I know she was offering me a ride the rest of the way home on my way back.
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| Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007
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1:37 pm - Inspiration
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I saw this comment in a friend of mine's journal -
"I've been there. Wasting my time on people who weren't worth it, and taking all the shit I got, just because I was lonely and miserable. Now I have real love in my life, and I can't even begin to tell you how many ways I now appreciate it, having seen the option.."
This inspires me. I tend to have a history in unrequited love. With this kind of history, it is harder for me to have faith in such things. Knowing someone else has been through it and still found true love, that is nice to hear.
Also, my friend eccentric mentioned how a friend said that you have to be happy being single, it attracts people. That is so true. I've already been working on that, I think I am more concerned about the fact that lesbians are hard to find and so how on earth will I attract one? I remember being concerned about that when I started this journal.
Since I started this journal, I've felt a lot less need to "be straight". For awhile I was occasionally seeing straight couples or seeing straight romance movies and wishing that I was straight, because then it would be easier - yeah, some things might be easier, like the affection in public thing, but I've come to know that some straight people have just as much trouble finding a mate as gays. I'd rather just be me than wish I were something else now. It could mean me being single for a long time, or maybe not, who knows.
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| Sunday, December 31st, 2006
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12:01 am - Dinner and Gannon
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Tonight I went to dinner at my friend L.'s house and we made hot and sour soup, it was really good, and not as hot as the kind we had at the restaraunt. Then we watched her ABBA concert. She showed me her virtual reality glasses, she can watch tv on them, I didn't know that was possible and I thought she was kidding when she told me about them!
My friend P. invited my son and I to a New Year's party tomorrow so we're going over and bringing some board games. It turns out she dropped by tonight when I was gone, too bad I missed it. She was looking for action she said, I thought that was cute.
Oh yeah! I beat Gannon today! He's a pretty decent boss this time, much better than Windwaker.
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| Thursday, December 28th, 2006
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8:25 pm - Later this week
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Hey on my birthday after I wrote that post, my parents brought me a carnation and dozen roses! They are beautiful! I just love looking at them and smelling them.
My mom also got me some awesome striped pajamas, some vibrantly colored towels, and some socks when we went to Kmart after lunch. It was kinda cool going to that Kmart. I've been to it when I was a teen, back in the 80's. I was feeling kinda nostalgic for the days when Kmart and Shopko were the only department store choices.
It's great to be back home. I love being on vacation. I took my son to the doctor today, they cleaned a lot of wax out of his ear. He can hear much better now.
I miss my family though. I've been emailing my mom several times and my dad too. I miss the kids and wish they all lived a little closer.
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| Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
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11:57 am - My birthday
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It's my birthday and my parents are coming over real soon, we will go out to Chinese for lunch and then go pick out flannel pajamas later. I will have 2 birthday cakes, black forest and some other chocolate like triple layer or something.
I'm not at home, I went to see family for Christmas. Christmas was good. My parents were really late, but the kids had a nice morning with lots of presents. Went to my sis in law's family's for a 2nd Christmas dinner. Later went swimming with Mom at their hotel which is way across town. I mean waaaaay across town. I wish they lived in town for one thing. Oh well.
It's been nice to see my nieces and nephews. The twins look more identical now. This morning they were asking me what the crayons said for what color they are (one was macaroni and cheese!)
My son misses his girlfriend. I rented a really nice red car to get over here and I really wish I could keep it. It is compact and gets good gas milage, just what I'd like to have and so brand new and clean.
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| Saturday, December 23rd, 2006
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10:53 am - more thoughts
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I've been reflecting some more, and what I said in that email wasn't that horrible, I was ending a friendship and that felt like such a harsh thing to me, I normally don't need to write emails that end a friendship. But now that I think of it, she came to a point where she didn't trust me and then I realized if she didn't trust me, I didn't trust her anymore, I felt uncomfortable with it, so it had to end. There is more to it than that, but nothing worth mentioning here.
I am enjoying hanging out with family, I have been reading to my niece and nephew alot and they like to cuddle with me, it is nice.
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| Friday, December 22nd, 2006
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7:48 am - Regrets
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Yesterday I wrote an email - I was really defensive, at the time it felt right, I was saying my true feelings at the time, yet I ended up feeling regret that I felt the need to be so defensive. What was it about me that felt that need? I was reacting out of fear instead of in love, if I go by ACIM's standards. I felt badly about it, I don't want the be the kind of person who is defensive and seeing the worst in people. I don't do that all the time (see the worst), but for some reason I did in that instance. This morning though I just feel at peace that it's over and I can try again to do better in my life, to go with the flow. She deleted me from her LJ list and I don't blame her after what I said, it was horrible, in some ways.
Although when I first asked her to friend me, I either sensed or guessed immediatly that someday I would be deleted - because of something she said in her journal why it was friends only - my impression was that if she felt the need to avoid certain people, I could likely get avoided as well. Perhaps I am wrong, and I don't want to assume that is what it was about, I just am reflecting that I guessed something and it turned out to be correct. And I do have a part in that play - it isn't just her doing, deleting me - I was the one who got defensive and of course she doesn't trust me now.
I want to try and have my journal public for awhile. I never know who might need to read my words. Once I read some women's journals and it really touched me - if they haven't been public entries it couldn't of happened.
I am leaving for MT today. The weather is overcast with snow on the ground. I am wondering if my niece is alright, she has a high fever. Hopefully the doctors knew exactly what she needs. Everyone has colds there - I hope we don't get one, but we're going anyway.
Merry Christmas, everyone!
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| Thursday, December 14th, 2006
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10:19 pm - Walk
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| Wednesday, December 13th, 2006
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10:02 am
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I saw this quote this morning:
"I invoke God's Grace, which fills me with Light. Light dissolves all darkness."
YES!!!
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8:36 am - I passed!!!
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Whoa I PASSED MY CLASSES!!! YAY! I never have to take those classes again, what a relief!!! I was so scared to look because I was afraid I could of failed B law, the test was hard, but she gave me a 4.0!!!!!!! Talk about a VERY unexpected surprise! I didn't get a 4.0 in my other two homework classes, but they are both above a 3.0. Yay! Anyway, goes to show life can really surprise you sometimes!
I still havent' ordered the rental, because part of me wants to fix my car, and I am getting to the point where I don't like planning unless I get a feel for what is right, and I don't know what is right yet. I like to take it day by day, but if I want the cheaper rate on the rental, and if I want a car available on a certain date, I'd better make up my mind. Today is the deadline for getting the cheap Greyhound rates, and I don't feel motivated to go buy those tickets, so they are not meant to be, but I guess I could change my mind before the day is over.
I overslept and so my son was late leaving and he was mad at me. I wish he would learn to set his own alarm and get up on his own, he is in high school. I don't mind getting him up, but if I turn off my alarm and go back to sleep like I did, he should have back up.
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| Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
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5:12 pm - Zelda Tuesday
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I caught the 8:05 bus to Spokane to make it to Northtown Mall by 9am (well it was 9:15) to pick up the Zelda game for the Gamecube. It turns out the Gamestop I ordered it at (the upstairs one, and why on earth are there one on each floor?) didn't get their shipment in, so I had to wait until almost 11am before it showed up (the downstairs one got theirs sooner). Then the bus ride home was long too because I had to wait about 45 minutes for the Cheney bus once I was downtown. At least I made it to the bank today in the waiting time.
So so much for my cutting down on video games. It would be silly not to play it, it's a brand new game and I am on break with not much to do. I got to play for about 2 hours 15 minutes before my son came home, and then now he is playing, but it's my turn again at 5:30. So far it is a pretty decent game, although I think I took too long at figuring out the village puzzle.
I felt a touch of spring fever when I stepped out my door to put something in the mail this morning, almost like a feeling something good would happen soon. I hope so! I wondered if it meant I was supposed to fix my car? I still don't feel movement in that direction, but I love the idea of having a car to drive again. I just don't know what to do. If I do the car rental to MT, then I won't feel like charging my card for my car. Or maybe I will.
I have to go to work tomorrow and Thursday and then my work study hours are used up till January.
I was thinking yesterday, I never want to do homework again! I LOVE it that I have no homework! Yeah freedom!
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| Monday, December 11th, 2006
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5:29 pm - Quote
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Here is a quote I posted once that I really like and I want to post it again:
“When you can live each day as if it were your first and only day, you will enjoy innocent perception. On the other hand, if you decide about life before you look at it, or filter your expectations only through past experience, you cannot have a direct unbiased perception of what is before you.”
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3:07 pm - Back at home
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I'm home now, and let's see how often my internet boots me off, lol.
I've been thinking since my last post. I shouldn't be so hard on myself for thinking about so and so. I was thinking now instead that someday there will be a woman whose heart would beat faster if she saw me post something like that, that my heart was beating faster because I saw her car, lol.
I just find myself wishing I was a different person, someone who didn't dwell on someone who isn't in my life anymore. But that isn't completely true either. She's in my life when I am at church, and she hugs me, and I mean really hugs me when she sees me. We hold our heads tight to each other when we hug (I have another friend at church who likes to hug like that too now, it is nice). And she's not on my mind all the time. I certainly think of other things and other people.
I just get ashamed because I remember how long I dwelled on this one man I was in love with, when he wasn't really there for me, and I sacrificed myself a lot for him, and I don't want to be that kind of person anymore.
I want to confess something here. I used to have a crush on a woman I have to see fairly regularily. It got to the point where I was fantasizing about her pretty heavy in my classes and other times, and when I saw her I was flushed and nervous. I got to the point I was sick of it because it served me no real purpose. I prayed to God to make the crush go away, unless there was a true romantic possibility that would enfold in the very near future. The crush was absolutely gone in a day or two. It did come back briefly a couple times later, but I was able to control it and now it's just gone. Sometimes, very rarely if I am really bored I might think of her, but not much.
I said the same kind of prayers about so and so. Maybe it's being answered, just more slowly because she and I do have some history, even though it is short, and it's harder to forget someone you felt a connection too. I don't know. I don't want to read into something that isn't there but I don't want to give up hope on something that I thought was there, and I am talking about the friendship. I leave it in the hands of God. Let him unfold things, if I try and push something, it won't work. God knows exactly what needs to be done and I don't.
I do want to have a good, caring companion someday that makes my heart sing, and who feels the same for me. I will picture some woman now whose heart beats faster if she sees me, my car (someday I will have a running car again!) and when I post that my heart beated faster when I saw her car, her heart will beat faster, and the feeling will be mutual - not someone who has a crush on me and I don't feel the same.
OMG my computer has not booted me off once yet while posting! I am excited!
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1:13 pm - Hmmm
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It's chilly out here in the reception area of work. This morning I went with my friend, driving her car to her appointment in Spokane, and then I went to an appointment of mine down on the same street. It happens to be a certain somebody's neighborhood. When we were headed up the street, I thought I saw her car in the Safeway. I had to get a banana anyway, so I headed back down there after dropping my friend off. The car was still there and I don't know for sure if it was hers and I didn't see her at the store. My heart was pounding and I was telling myself, get a grip. I don't even know why I am posting this, I am as embarrased as hell that I can still have that kind of reaction around her or even the thought of possibly seeing her. I think I am posting it so I can remember the date if it is ever necessary. Then I drove back up to my friend's appointment place and sat in the lobby awhile. I happened to look up from the book I was reading which is A New Earth as it is the only thing that helps keep me sane lately. I am pretty sure I saw her driving by. It made me wonder what she was up to. It was about 8:30 in the morning. So anyway, after being in her neighborhood, I feel saturated with it somehow and I feel guilty that I even still think about her, I have no idea if she dwells on me much at all.
Then we went to my chiropractor appointment. Then we headed back to Cheney. I tried to figure out how to get to Montana. I haven't decided yet. I want my trusty Nissan back so bad.
Yesterday I did see her at church, and she hugged me twice. I didn't get to talk to her too much. I did get to see a friend I didn't expect to see at the 9am service, so that was nice, and you know who was at the 9am also because the choir sang 2 songs and it was so pretty. Somehow that made me not sad to be at the 9am, knowing she was there in the same room. Then I got a surprise, I didn't miss the December birthday singing last week so I stood up for the birthday song.
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| Saturday, December 9th, 2006
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9:32 pm - Dinner and more
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"I see only the past" -ACIM
Tonight a friend came over for dinner and she helped me chop up vegetables while I got things going on the stove. It was fun. We made a shoofly pie, spring ravioli and this soup that is made out of celery soup, sliced black olives and avacado pieces. It was a really good dinner. Then we played our Sherlock Holmes game. Afterwards had the pie and then sat down and we all talked. My friend talked of foriegn countries she had visited and then we got into this interesting discussion about quantum physics that my son really got into. Then my friend had to go home, she was getting tired.
Earlier another friend loaned me her car, so I was able to go to the library and get a book I've been wanting to finish. I picked up a ornament for my friend like she wanted and she said it was a sucess at the party she went to. Tomorrow I will pick her up in her car, I have it overnight, and then go to the 9am church which will be kinda sad for me, but oh well. Then we will go shopping. I am looking forward to that.
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| Friday, December 8th, 2006
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1:49 pm - At work
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I'm at work. I thought it was going to be a rough afternoon. I thought there was tons of copies to do. There was, but not as much as I thought. Then the machine broke down even though the service guy was here yesterday, so no more copies for now anyway.
I thought it was going to be rough because there were a lot of binders to put together and it can really add up to a bad back ache for me if I go too far with leaning around a lot, or lifting things with any kind of weight a lot. But I will be okay, my back was hurting but now I can rest and I am relieved because I wanted to get some more cleaning done at home later. Something I just can't do if my back already hurts.
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8:29 am - Happy Friday
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"I am upset because I see something that is not there" - ACIM
My lesson for today. Then I felt like picking up my copy of A New Earth and I found this - it goes right along with my recent lessons and thoughts.
"You look at the present through the eyes of the emotional past within you. In other words, what you see and experience is not the event or situation but in you. Or in some cases, it may be there in the event or situation, but you amplify it through your reaction."
My desire today is to be at peace. I am going to go to work for 5 hours today, then I will probably clean a little when I get home, and then catch the bus to meet my friend in Spokane. It will be fun to hang out!
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| Thursday, December 7th, 2006
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10:10 pm - test post
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Just checking to see if I can post at home. My son is trying to do something on his Zelda discussion board so I can't stay here and write every detail of my night. If you want to hear every detail of someone's night, listen to the song "Trapped in the drive thru" by Weird Al. If this posts, yay!
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